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What have I been doing with my life?  
After looking back at 11 years of Catboy at the Con and other artwork I just remember what my father said to me the first time I showed him my drawings as a kid.
"You will never get anywhere with those." 
And you know what?  He was right.  I am still that loser kid that is thinking that in just a short 5 years I will be working for some big company... or have my own tv show... or something stupid like that.
I don't know what to do anymore.  I love my characters... but I don't think that I can stand myself anymore.
What is wrong with me?
Am I just some fucking loser?
Am I lying to myself when I think... yep tomorrow will be great?  or better?  or good?  or whatever?
Am I lying to myself when I think I deserve that next breath of air?
Am I lying to myself when I think maybe I should just give it all up?
I don't know.
But I hate liars.
Woke up to an overturned trash can this morning. Not the first time this has happened and I know who the culprit is. I have talked to them several times and yet they treat their shit like no issue. They have destroyed property here, they have filled the alleyway with junk ( junk cars and garbage), they have made the whole neighborhood unsafe.
I won't park in our rear parking lot because those bastards will probably just smash into my car and drive away like it was no big deal.
I'm tired of this. 
As soon as we can I am gonna move my wife and I to a better neighborhood. So we can leave those MF's to live in their crackhouse!
Recently I have been dealing with some major depression and don't know what the future holds for the comic.   Last weekend I was feeling good and thought I would get some comics done.   My drawing expecting made me feel happy.   However due to some people u have been thinking maybe I should just call it quits.   Should I continue the comic or just hang up my pencil?
I am sorry about no comic this week.  I have had lots of drama hit recently.  One my grandfather had a major seizure.  Before the seizure he had a fall and when I last saw him before the fall he didn't know who I was but at least i could see in his eyes that he knew that I was his grandson.  After the fall he told me to leave... to go home.  I looked into his eyes and did not see that he understood that I was who I was... and it broke me a bit.   Now he is in a nursing home... and doesn't know who anyone is.  He is cursing at my family in German and saying that we are people that are stealing his car... And this has further broken me.  My grandfather was a man who to me was the person to be.... A man who would give you the shirt of his back if you were in need....  The man who worked hard for everything that you get and because of that felt better when he received the good things in life because of his work....  A man who taught me lessons of understanding how to act as a balanced human being... One of the nicest... kindest... more caring man....

I am trying to hold onto that.  I really am.  The man he was... and not the man he is now.   Because the man he is now is not my grandfather.

Now I am told that we should not accept contact from certain members of the family... I found out why and I will not get into that here but to hear that about two of my family that the last time I saw them they were considered the kids to hang around with.

Sickness does it as well.   Been sick for a while and felt like I am not doing anything... which when your sick you are not to do anything and just relax.  However with the way I think... I have to do something...

I broke down a couple weeks ago in front of my wife.  I broke down because I knew of everything that I had to do... all my chores... it weighed me down and for a moment I couldn't breathe thinking about it. 

My wife held me and told me to not think about it.   Told me that I needed to calm down.

It is hard for me to do so.    I know I have dishes to do.  I have things to clean.  I need to reorganize the closet so that we can get to it without things falling... I need to clean the bedroom because it looks dirty to me and I need to clean it.  I need to do more artwork or people will think I am lazy... I need to keep up the website because if I don't people will think I am lazy.  I need to do so many things because I need to do them in my mind....

I don't know how to relax anymore... I have to learn how to do that again... cause even when I am laying in bed... trying to sleep... I think of all the time I am wasting sleeping when I could be doing other things...

I am sorry that I wrote so much but I just wanted to get it off my chest.  I have Facebook but I didn't want to post this there.  I hate thinking that people will need to tip toe around me to make me happy or see me as a crazy person. 

thank you for listening.
Soon "Catboy at the Con" the webcomic will be gone.   I am going to be ending the comic within either this year or the early part of next year.  I will then be starting up a new comic and hopefully you all enjoy that one as well as " Catboy at the Con."  Thank you for all the years together.
An announcement for everyone that reads Catboy At The Con. I am going to be going back to doing a comic every day. This is something I have been thinking about since I have been so lax on the comic in the past year and a half. I miss doing the comic and I feel that this is something I have to do. So next time you all see me and I am talking to no one but myself... I am not doing that... I am trying to get my characters back in order. So the Month of April will be a month that I will not have a comic out.... but May will be the month that I will see if I will be able to do what I did in the past... have a comic every day.....except Sunday. Gotta rest at least one day.... and do a video....

Today I got up thinking that today would be alright.  I have had a stressful week... a sorta stressful last night and now I was going back to work. 

That was until I noticed that my outside storage shed looked a bit weird... weird as in my rockband drum set was sitting outside as well as some cups.  I found that we had been broken into again... I don't know if anything was taken but it has shaken me quite a bit.  I called into work and let them know that I may not be coming in today due to this as I am going to have to find a local storage place to store the stuff.  

 I found my storage place and got a good work out from moving the boxes and everything that was in storage.  

 I just feel like someone saw me naked.  Violated my space and my ability to feel safe in this community.

 When we can move to a new place I will feel so much better... one where the crime rate is down alot more.

 I don't want to put any pressure on Jen because I love her but I also didn't want her to see me like this.  I am pissed... very very very pissed.  So now I am just trying to keep my mind off of what happened.  I have kept the broken latch... yes the lock was down right impregnible but the latch was stressed until it was cut.  lovely.  

 After emptying the storage shed I used some screws to secure the door since I do not want it flapping in the air like the other doors used to.  I then came inside and did some housework.  Mostly did this because if I stop and think about it then I start getting dark thoughts... like taking some of my swords... suiting up... and going out and start cutting the heads of gang members.  

 See just went dark there.  So I am working on getting the house all spruced up.  At work I would not be doing that... I would be thinking about the person I was helping and if they were worth their weight in salt or if they knew the god damned person that broke into my storage.  

 See again went dark there.  It is time for me to go back and continue some work.  Have a good day.
Okay yesterday I went into the doc to get checked.  My chest has been feeling like someone has been pushing on it and I was just freaking.  Got checked out and doc is gonna call me with info.  Today my car stopped working. 
It just won't turn over.  I am just kinda pissed
Hey everyone I have started doing little videos on You Tube called the Catboy Rants.  Hope you all enjoy them.

www.youtube.com/playlist?list=…
If your wondering if tomorrow there will be a comic since I have been getting ready to start it back up... well no there isn't gonna be one and honestly I don't care.  I am fucking tired of this.  I got broken into again...nothing stolen but probably stolen by someone that just thought it would be fun to break into somthing... tried to call cops but they don't care... my insurance doesn't care because it is not in the apartment it is in a storage shed next to the apartment... Low on funds and just pissed... would love to just sit back and eat a bunch of candy or chocolate... but I am sticking to my diet...

So to all you you out there that are looking for a comic tomorrow... sorry.  I just don't feel happy enough to draw.
Just to let everyone know I am gonna be at Radcon in Pasco Washington on Feb 15th thru the 17th as a panelist.  If you want to see me and walk in on a panel come on up.

www.radcon.org/
I am wondering if I should continue the comic.  If I should stop now or continue.  I will leave that up to you all... if you feel I should continue please let me know.  If you think I should stop then let me know too... thank you.
not looking forward to work monday.  got thrown under the bus by a co-worker because I followed the directions of my supervisors.  No I am not in trouble... just upset that I was told that I couldn't just go ahead and tell the man no it was not my fault that what happened was wrong.  I was told by my supervisors to do it the wrong way.  And besides  if you have a stick up your ass about signing paperwork then I am sorry to say that is how everything is going now.  IT IS 2012... deal with it.
Hey I got featured in a journal entry.... want everyone to know... so here we go!
painting-with-light.deviantart…
This year I was invited to Radcon so I am gonna be able to enjoy the con and hit tons of panels.  Yeah and I am gonna be sitting in on alot of them too.  So if you are in Pasco, WA on Feb the 18th and 19th come down to the Red Lion Inn and see me.  Hope to see tons of people there.
Hey there everyone.  Just posting this asking for a little bit of help.  My wife and I are enjoying our first Christmas together but our bills have piled up some  and we are really looking for some help.  If you could donate a little it would be great to help us get through the holiday season with the bare necessities.  We are really hoping to get enough so we can drive to see my folks for Christmas.  
if you can help please give to the link  www.paypal.com/us/cgi-bin/webs…
Today is the day I get married to the Love of my life.  The woman that drives me to create in ways I never thought possible.  At 2pm central time she and I will take that leap in to marriage and who knows what will happen next.  It is a scary thought but at the same time a good one.  I for one can't wait to do it.
Hey everyone just want to let you all know that my fiancee and I are getting married october 29th 2011, and both of us are taking donations, commissions, ect to save up money for this thing.  so if you can please contact either myself or my fiancee in-troubled-dreams.deviantart.… . we would be happy with whatever we get.  Thanks.
Well we are moved....
we are in our own place now...
This means that I have to start the comic again...
yep....
Well looks like I am moving... I hate moving.  I am getting a storage area tomorrow... then wednesday I will be totally out of the place I am in now and will be in my parent's place...

DAMN IT!!!