Catboy-Trades

You ever feel like you shouldn't be.
I don't want to die... but I think it was a mistake that I was created.

What have I been doing with my life?  
After looking back at 11 years of Catboy at the Con and other artwork I just remember what my father said to me the first time I showed him my drawings as a kid.
"You will never get anywhere with those." 
And you know what?  He was right.  I am still that loser kid that is thinking that in just a short 5 years I will be working for some big company... or have my own tv show... or something stupid like that.
I don't know what to do anymore.  I love my characters... but I don't think that I can stand myself anymore.
What is wrong with me?
Am I just some fucking loser?
Am I lying to myself when I think... yep tomorrow will be great?  or better?  or good?  or whatever?
Am I lying to myself when I think I deserve that next breath of air?
Am I lying to myself when I think maybe I should just give it all up?
I don't know.
But I hate liars.

Woke up to an overturned trash can this morning. Not the first time this has happened and I know who the culprit is. I have talked to them several times and yet they treat their shit like no issue. They have destroyed property here, they have filled the alleyway with junk ( junk cars and garbage), they have made the whole neighborhood unsafe.
I won't park in our rear parking lot because those bastards will probably just smash into my car and drive away like it was no big deal.
I'm tired of this. 
As soon as we can I am gonna move my wife and I to a better neighborhood. So we can leave those MF's to live in their crackhouse!

Recently I have been dealing with some major depression and don't know what the future holds for the comic.   Last weekend I was feeling good and thought I would get some comics done.   My drawing expecting made me feel happy.   However due to some people u have been thinking maybe I should just call it quits.   Should I continue the comic or just hang up my pencil?

I am sorry about no comic this week.  I have had lots of drama hit recently.  One my grandfather had a major seizure.  Before the seizure he had a fall and when I last saw him before the fall he didn't know who I was but at least i could see in his eyes that he knew that I was his grandson.  After the fall he told me to leave... to go home.  I looked into his eyes and did not see that he understood that I was who I was... and it broke me a bit.   Now he is in a nursing home... and doesn't know who anyone is.  He is cursing at my family in German and saying that we are people that are stealing his car... And this has further broken me.  My grandfather was a man who to me was the person to be.... A man who would give you the shirt of his back if you were in need....  The man who worked hard for everything that you get and because of that felt better when he received the good things in life because of his work....  A man who taught me lessons of understanding how to act as a balanced human being... One of the nicest... kindest... more caring man....

I am trying to hold onto that.  I really am.  The man he was... and not the man he is now.   Because the man he is now is not my grandfather.

Now I am told that we should not accept contact from certain members of the family... I found out why and I will not get into that here but to hear that about two of my family that the last time I saw them they were considered the kids to hang around with.

Sickness does it as well.   Been sick for a while and felt like I am not doing anything... which when your sick you are not to do anything and just relax.  However with the way I think... I have to do something...

I broke down a couple weeks ago in front of my wife.  I broke down because I knew of everything that I had to do... all my chores... it weighed me down and for a moment I couldn't breathe thinking about it. 

My wife held me and told me to not think about it.   Told me that I needed to calm down.

It is hard for me to do so.    I know I have dishes to do.  I have things to clean.  I need to reorganize the closet so that we can get to it without things falling... I need to clean the bedroom because it looks dirty to me and I need to clean it.  I need to do more artwork or people will think I am lazy... I need to keep up the website because if I don't people will think I am lazy.  I need to do so many things because I need to do them in my mind....

I don't know how to relax anymore... I have to learn how to do that again... cause even when I am laying in bed... trying to sleep... I think of all the time I am wasting sleeping when I could be doing other things...

I am sorry that I wrote so much but I just wanted to get it off my chest.  I have Facebook but I didn't want to post this there.  I hate thinking that people will need to tip toe around me to make me happy or see me as a crazy person. 

thank you for listening.